Peace Corps has mash me up. You can ask any Peace Corps
Volunteer and I think its safe to say that they will all agree that Peace Corps
F’s you up. You go into this experience so fresh faced, overflowing with ideas
and ambition, hopes and dreams of a better tomorrow, eager and willing to
help. And over time, after countless
attempts to get projects off the ground, failure after failure, reality is
realized and all those hopes and dreams appear not so attainable after all. You don’t give up right away; you persevere,
holding out hope that it just needs one more little extra push. But eventually you come to the harsh
conclusion that no matter what you do, there’s a good chance that what you have
been working so hard for will not be sustainable and will eventually wither
away once you leave, if you are successful at getting started at all in the
first place. When you return, you arrive damaged goods. Your entire outlook on
life has changed; things that mattered suddenly seem so immaterial. And things
you were completely oblivious to are now on the forefront of your conscience.
I have reached my breaking point. I
thought that I could deal with stress reasonably well and actually thought I
worked better under pressure and stress.
Evidently there is a limit to the effectiveness of the stress. I can
probably name two times in my whole life where I was caught crying in public.
That all changed since the day I first applied for Peace Corps. That’s right.
It starts breaking you down before you even set foot on a plane for
another country. Amid all the uncertainty that the process entails, you’re on
an emotional rollercoaster with little option but to break down and cry.
Since coming to SVG, my experience
has been nothing short of challenging, both personally and project-wise. While
there are many exceedingly positive experiences as well as many examples of
very positive personal growth, this experience has also slowly beaten me down.
There are many instances in which I have behaved in a manner in which I would
deem “uncharacteristically” and quite disgracefully. There have been times I
have cried at school; times I have gotten extremely angry and frustrated at
which point I have yelled and screamed at students/classes, one time even
lashing a student with a book or grabbed or pushed a student. These are things I am not proud of.
Yet, these reactions come about as a result of my perceived
lack of control of my situation, my confusion and my inability to
constructively deal with the challenges that working in another country present
and the constant challenges that I am faced with every minute of my life now. They are in response to my feelings of
failure day in and day out. It didn’t
seem to matter what I did. I pride myself in being hard working and
determined. This experience was no different
than any other endeavor; in fact I probably worked harder and persevered more
than any other job or project. And yet, it didn’t matter. I tried to get
creative, interactive, etc., but nothing seemed to work. It was failure after
failure. There have been times students have told me to go back to America,
called me racist, and threw objects at me, among other things. There have been
times that projects did not move forward and even crashed and burned in flames
once the proposal hit the desk, despite my every effort to acquire the
necessary resources. There are many times that I was willing and able to do
projects nearly entirely on my own, all I needed was a green light to go
forward, and even that was denied. The constant struggles and subsequent
failures are not limited to work. Returning to an empty house with no
amenities, very few friends and no family wears on you. How do you deal with
the work stress/struggles if you have no support system?
Yet you eventually adapt to your new
and challenging surroundings and somewhat lonely life. You find new sources of happiness and comfort.
Besides, these occurrences were usually isolated and ensued on a particularly
difficult day.
As of late, these occurrences and
others have been becoming more frequent, although the focus of the “outbursts”
or “meltdowns” is directed less at students and more internally. There have been countless random uncontrollable
crying/sobbing fits, days I just cant bring myself to get out of bed, and
fights with loved ones over seemingly nothing at all.
It all came to a head, after one
project in particular. I had spent months preparing for the project, only to
have it fail miserably. Approximately only half of the objectives were reached,
if that. It was at the conclusion of this project that I realized something
more was going on, and this wasn’t just normal feelings of disappointment. It
was also at this time that I seriously considered quitting and returning
home. Home to a culture I knew, home to
my family and friends who cared and loved me, home to familiarity, home to
comfort. As things got worse, I began to realize I was in a deep depression and
the latest project failure was the last straw.
Things began to deteriorate shortly
after my best friend finished her service and returned home about 6 months ago
(the same time I was supposed to finish and return home; instead I decided to
extend my service). She had been my rock
through the tumultuous experience we were sharing; she was my sounding board,
my confidante; some one I could vent to about work and life and would listen
and could understand. When she left, I essentially lost my only true friend. Shortly
after she left, things got worse when a particular person I depended on wasn’t
there for me. Trust was betrayed, confidence was shattered.
Then the summer came and was full of rejection. One rejection
after the next in terms of support or lack there of for the project I was
undertaking. It wears on you when you only hear negative and discouraging news
time and again. Then came the execution/implementation of the project, which
went less than stellar. Nothing went as
planned, or even remotely close to “as planned” or as anticipated. I know that
Peace Corps always tells us you must be flexible, but flexibility is dealing
with a few hiccups, not entirely restructuring a project. I suppose it’s my fault for having such high
expectations. This was the breaking
point. I was not sure if I could continue. I went so far as to draft a
pros/cons list for staying vs. going.
I was utterly sick of working my
butt off for some one else’s benefit, especially when they seemed like they
couldn’t care less and could not be bothered to help me help them. I was sick
of the lack of commitment, the lies, the lack of effort, and the
disappointment. Everything.
To make matters worse my backup camera broke, while my main camera
was at the manufacturer for repair. I
know this sounds kind of trivial and materialistic, but photography is my
outlet. Also add it to the ever-growing list of electronics to mash up. To top things off, my computer charger broke
(only three months after replacing the original). Now, not only did I have no
one here that I could vent to and help me through this tough time, but I was
essentially now completely isolated from friends and family back home that
could give me some semblance of an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on. I feel so alone. I feel so out of control of
myself, that all I can do is cry. I have
no other means of coping and dealing with the stress and feelings anymore.
I became increasingly agitated and
got easily frustrated. I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t sleep, I wasn’t able to
fall asleep and then I would wake up very early. I would wake up in the middle
of the night with terrifying nightmares almost nightly. I wasn’t hungry, I
stopped going to rugby, I would rarely leave my house or my bed. Nothing
interested me and nothing seemed to matter any more.
It wasn’t just one factor that
brought me to this dark place that I am at now.
It was many factors over time.
The loneliness; lack of social and professional support; work stress;
relationship problems; failure after failure, disappointment after
disappointment. Yet it is a vicious cycle.
All the stress causes me to shutdown and further isolate myself, makes
me irritable and causes more problems with loved ones, and prevents me from
doing the things I used to love and prevents me from doing my job. Only leading to more stress and more
problems.
At this point, I'm not sure what to
do anymore.
